How Are You?

There appears to be a competition that no one’s told me about. It’s the let’s-see-who-can-make-Joyce-the-angriest-on-the-phone competition. Most of the participants are telemarketers, naturally.

But the rest of the people who aren't telemarketers actually call me about relatively serious matters - or at least it’s serious to them. It might not be entirely legitimate (“Would you like to write a story about something that is not yet invented but will save the world?”) and they might be complete strangers, but it more or less necessitates better treatment than the kind telemarketers get.

Lately, however, there appears to be a concerted effort to get my blood pressure up and out through my temples. And all they have to do is open a conversation I am already not sure I want to have by saying, “How are you?”.

I swear, there is nothing more infuriating to hear when you
(a) have never met the person who wants a bit of your life that you will never get back on the phone
(b) are in a fucking big hurry (and these days, who isn’t?)
(c) are already not particularly amenable to a request that is almost certain to make your life a little bit worse
(d) actually are not feeling very good about your life

Of all the Western pretenses that we have picked up, this is the absolute worst - even worse than the air-kissing. At least, in order to air-kiss someone, you’d have to know what the fuck they look like, first. Asking ‘How are you?’ works perfectly fine out in California, where a bummer day is when the waves aren’t high enough, and everyone has time to linger on at the In ‘n Out.

But this is Singapore, bitch, where time is money and money is already being spent on peak-hour surcharges and parking coupons and time is spent developing stress-related Irritable Bowel Syndrome. We don’t have time for a goddamn ‘how are you’ - just tell me what you want, we’ll work it out brisk Asian-style and get out of each other’s face, both parties satisfied that they came out on top.

And time aside, it’s all the more baffling when you’ve never met the person before. From what non-existent point would this complete stranger pick to compare this eternal question of how you are?

Also, how late yesterday do people think you were born, that the mere act of pretending to care how you are will subliminally cause you to be more cooperative?

So, in order to educate these people, I’ve made a list of the ways I will respond the next time someone in a button-down shirt and sensible shoes asks “How are you?”.

1. Q:How are you?
   A:Suicidal and suppressing farts. And you?
   
   
2. Q:How are you?
   A:No, how are you? I’m sick of going first!
   
   
3. Q:How are you?
   A:How am I…what? Finish your sentences, goddamn.
   
   
4. Q:How are you?
   A:Computer says no.
   
   
5. Q:How are you?
   A:Oh no, we thought we could run it without your finding out. Anyway, it’s tomorrow’s Page 1 and there’s nothing I can do about it. Do you need the name of a good lawyer?
   
   
6. Q:How are you?
   A:What are you wearing?
   
   
7. Q:How are you?
   A:Like Barney Stinson - suited up, manned up and awesome. Also, what are you wearing?
   
   
8. Q:How are you?
   A:If you’d gone to an actual university instead, you’d know that the correct question is ‘Why are you?’
   
   
9. Q:How are you?
   A: 42
   (if you didn’t get this one, you’re the idiot asking ‘How are you?’)
   
   
10. Q:How are you?
    A:*click*

Let the re-education begin.