So, my frivolous, irreverent thing had presented itself last Friday as I skittered across the lobby of Marina Bay Sands, already late for a work-related gala dinner.
I’d been wearing the Marc Jacobs gown I’d bought in New York for the first time, this elegant black and white-pearl affair.
It was then, after a lot of uncomfortable fidgeting on the escalators which I’d desperately tried to keep my colleagues from noticing, that I’d decided that this is something I will admit to the world.
I have no clue - none - what women are supposed to do with the long ribbony loops that are sewn on the inside of your dress, right beneath your armpit.
When the dress is not being worn, the loops are fine - helpful, even. They’re looped on the sides of hangers so that the dress itself doesn’t have to be stretched around the hanger.
But when I’m in the dress, the loops just become these maddening things that won’t stay in my dress - they slip out and hang under my arms like limp spaghetti, while I surreptitiously try to slip them back in without looking like I’m rabidly scratching myself.
They’re maddening, too, in that if you lose all control and cut them off in a fit of anger, the jagged, prickly edges that are left will irritate your skin and haunt you forever.
As I stood on that escalator in a beautiful dress being ruined by loops that wouldn’t stay in it, I felt myself beginning to lose my temper at the dress industry.
Is it not bad enough, the number of pre-existing boobage wardrobe malfunctions and sudden onset of bodily fluids women have to navigate around?
Why has no one talked about this? Surely I’m not the only woman who has experienced this. Don’t the transvestites have something to say?
Is there something I don’t know? A rite of passage that I’ve missed out on, passed from mother to daughter as the Secret to Keeping Loops in Your Dress is guarded in venerable families? It’s like how I didn’t know how to braid hair until I was 10 and never learnt how to cook until I was 24.
Come on, what do you nice girls do with the loops? Tuck them in your bra? Turn them into goddamn flowers to give to guests at your coming-out ball?
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3 comments:
I'm an unapologetically male and strange person who happened to drop by, gawked at your navel gazing, anarchy in the armpit and other serious topics of public interest, and have now developed the cheek to comment on a topic to which I claim no expertise.
That taken care of, here is my suggestion: Just snip away those loops. Well, any man would have told you that. They (the loops that is, not men) may be helpful when the dress is *not* being worn, but they (the loops again, oops) are causing you distress when it (the dress) is. Why suffer mere loops ? Snip 'em, snip 'em, but not my comment, okay?
I wore a gorgeous gown to a wedding only to find the loops hanging out in the pictures, the horror! I cut off the loops now!
Anonymous and Fifi:
I actually have, in fact, snipped them off. No chafing, thus far. Thanks!
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